¿Estás escogiendo a tu pareja? O ¿te están escogiendo?

Ciudad de México

En entrevista con"Martha Debayle en W",  Evan Mark Katz, Dating coach. TW: @evanmarckatz // FB: Evan Marc Katz // Web: evanmarckatz.com

➔ Think it better:

• You wouldn't take any food that someone forced into your plate, you wouldn't take any job that was offered to you randomly out of college , you wouldn't live in any home that was just temporarily vacant, then why is it that so many women say that their entirely love lives have been based on whichever man showed strong interest at the time.

● The answer, of course is scarcity:

• If you think you ́ll never eat again, you ́ll grab whatever food is offered

• If you think you have no employment options you ́ll grab anything that pays the bills

• If you think you are going to be a homeless, you ́ll take wherever room is available

• Here's what is different about love, you don't have to take whatever is available.

• You can say no, you can be single, you could raise your standards until they ́re met so if your pattern is falling into a relationship with whatever guy that tries the hardest when you are lonely, you can say absolutely no.

➔ How to be the chooser and not the chosen:

You can have relationships where you feel safe, heard and understood

• Case study: “Susana” it's a woman with a pattern of being “serial monogamous”, who is proud of her relationship history, she doesn't want to be a “serial dater”, she doesn't want to cycle through guys on dating sites, she likes being in relationships, she considers herself open minded, she thinks she has reasonable standards, and she is willing to give guys a shot.

• She recognizes all men have flaws, she hopes she finds a man who ́s forgiving of hers, which is not a bad philosophy, and if we look at her relationship history looks like she ́s someone successful: 1 year, 4 year, 7 years relationships, she is barely single between those relationships, which means she is “off the market” for a very few time.

• The reason is she doesn't really insist on choosing her boyfriends, she lets her boyfriends choose her.

➔ Be the CEO of you love life:

• Be the CEO of your love life vs acting as an intern.

• Example: “María”; she sees the “situation” like she's the last called of the bar , “he” is the only guy in the bar, he ask for her hand and they ́re about to turn on the lights of the bar, he leads her out of the bar and because he's the guy who's there when the lights turned on the bar, this is the next decade of your life.

• “He chose me, I was there, I was lonely, he was cute enough and now i'm in a relationship with someone and we normalize all the problems in that relationship” and by the way this is maybe the most common way of dating, but it's somewhat indiscriminate , the other hand would be people who jump into one relationship to another and being too picky.

• When you feel better about yourself, you will start being with the person YOU WANT TO BE, not the person who “took you”..

➔ Shift your mindset:

• Stop just thinking if the person is pretty or smart, there are plenty more things to consider, for example someone who accept you as you are, who doesn't change you.

➔ Imaginary “job interview”:

• When you are “casting” a person imagine you are interviewing someone to have a job so you can choose the best qualified candidate, so the relationship is going to be easy, flow, where you can relax: THE BOYFRIEND OF THE 31 YEARS OLD IS BETTER THAN THE BOYFRIEND OF THE 29, THE BOYFRIEND AT THE 35, IS BETTER THAN THE BOYFRIEND OF THE 31.

• Women are the CEO and man should be the interns, a CEO would never have to hire someone under desperation.

• A real company has a HR department: They vet candidates, they do multiple rounds of interviews, they don't give you the opportunity until you earn it , they don't give you health insurance for three months, they don't give you “the corner office” until you ́ve been there and proving yourself for a time.

• Before giving it all, compare the real life with teh “dating apps world”: You scroll, swipe, text for a while, go on a couple of dates, and after that, you decide what's next, why wouldn't you do it in the same way when meeting a guy for the first time.

➔ Take the power back:

• Don't be a passive participant in one of the “most important” decisions of your life, you want to choose your food, your home, life, and why not, your partner.

• This doesn't make masculine, desperate or means that you are chasing a guy, this means you're just making a conscious shift in energy.

• Revamp your online dating profile, date online for a half hour each day, screen candidates in those first few dates weeks based on their efforts to follow up, escalate things, not just how they look or how they appear on paper. Go out with one of these guys per week and keep your boyfriend job open for a while until a man has proven himself over five weeks so that he is worthy of the “job” of being your boyfriend rather than sleeping with him first and the sort of anxiously hoping that he\ chooses you.

➔ You are the boss!

• You are the boss, if you act like the chooser instead of just being the chosen , you could completely shift the way you interact with dating relationships and become the ceo of your love life.

• You have the power at any point in time to make the shift, that you don't just take the first interested guy who comes along and comes strong you deserve more , aim for more and you will get more!